The Boundary Balance
Boundaries are an incredible gift that offer so much abundance, relational integrity and goodness. However it’s an interesting balancing act to navigate within long term relationships which can change over time. Meaning, there’s a fluidity to boundaries and they can change dependent on what’s going on for you within that season of life. Not to be confused with barriers which are rigid and hard, they don’t take into account expressions of empathy. Our bandwidth changes as we grow in capacity to hold more space for self and others. As human beings we are wired for connection and thrive better when there is a felt sense of safety and belonging. In this type of environment we can rest, create and be our most authentic selves. Tension is also sometimes more felt when a boundary is set and someone disrespects that line that you create. Differentiation is so important in healthy relationships. When your voice is nurtured and celebrated, there can be shared experiences of co-created presence and mutual respect.
You learn who your people are when you go through hard knocks and it’s important to lean into those relationships that most feed your soul, not the ones that feel toxic or deplete your energy. If you feel a sense of spaciousness in your relationships, the kind that offers you permission and freedom to simply be accepted for who you are ever becoming, then I’m cheering you on! If not, then maybe it’s worth a few simple asks… I’ve put together some basic reflections to help you notice when a positive dynamic is happening and what might actually be depleting your energy.
Do you feel zapped of energy after interacting with this person (evoking feelings of tiredness or agitation)? This is a good indication that someone’s holding more weight emotionally in the relationship and there’s not a reciprocated connection. This person might not have the capacity at this time to meet you in ways that you desire to be seen and heard. There is an unmet need being revealed here.
Do you have to shrink back from who you really are to make them feel more secure or comfortable? This is a good indicator that there might be some unhealed places of insecurity present. Or you may be triggering one another’s stories in some way. Sometimes our psychological material overlaps and there is a spark so to speak, which can be interesting to navigate in close relationships. I think of all relationships like mirrors offering us information.
Do you feel unsafe or like you’re walking on eggshells when in the company of this person? Maybe this person might be projecting some of their pain onto you and it may be triggering other stories, evoking a reenactment to happen.
Indication of a healthy two-way-street, interdependence vs. codependency!
Do you feel a sense of rest or refreshment with this person and invited to offer something mutual back in response?
This isn’t to say there won’t be struggle, conflict, even disruption or disappointment. But the beauty of this type of relational dynamic is there is solid ground to stand on, a secure attachment to build trust and attunement. Both people are willing to work at the relationship, both people are actively communicating and celebrating life’s seasons together. It builds love, affection, humor and psychological safety. There’s grace to be all of who you are and to navigate what you need as things shift over time.